Everything Changes

Me at Pebble Beach a few years ago. Nice abs, huh ;)
The few brave, bored souls who bother to regularly venture to this site may have noticed my long silent absence from the blogosphere. For some of you, I'm sure this is a prayer answered! For the few of you who actually find me interesting, I'm sorry for the long leave! My life has turned upside down the past couple of months, so I've had weighty personal matters occupying my mind in place of my usual, trivial concerns.
During the Thanksgiving holidays, after a lot of soul searching, I decided it was best that I leave my boyfriend. Our life together was marred by constant instability. We were always broke, constantly moving as my ex bounced from one job to another, and I was very depressed and unhappy.
I never had a real dad. My own father was severely brain damaged when I was six after a guy attacked his skull with a tire iron. He spent the next 16 years in a nursing home, unable to move or speak or see. He finally died a few years ago from pneumonia. The only time I ever saw him after he was hurt was at his funeral. My mama had already remarried a few years before he was hurt, and she and my stepfather felt it best we not see him. I don't really regret not going to see him, to be honest. He wouldn't have known who we were or understood anything we said, and I preferred not to think about it. It was too fucking sad to think about.
My stepfather was a very unhappy man. I'm not sure why, but life at home was pretty unpleasant for many years. Now, however, my stepdad has really mellowed out. He and I actually are friendly too each other, and he's very kind to me now. As a kid growing up, I never had any kind of fatherly connection or figure in my life. My stepfather worked night shift and my experience of him was one of incredible tension and daytime sleeping.
I bring all this up because I've always been attracted to older guys. Ever since I was a teenager, I had crushes on men a decade or more older than myself. I know I was born gay, but the absence of a father figure affected me in a lot of ways. I know some girls who don't have a dad develop an attraction for older men. I guess it's a similar thing that happened to me.
My ex was significantly older than I. He's a good guy. He has an ex-wife and children, so things were always really complicated. He had many responsibilities and obligations I found difficult to deal with at my age, but I tried really hard to make it work. Some things just aren't meant to be.
So I have had to find a new place to live. I'm looking for a new job. I have an interview on Weds for a part-time job I can work at while I finish college here in Chicago. That's right! I finally gave up on ever going back to Harvard. I'm too old to go back to that cocoon, and it's too expensive for me to finance as an independent adult. I don't like Boston anyways! I had a miserable time there, but some good times too. My favorite memory is of the Miss Harvard pageant. That was a riot! Maybe I'll tell you about it some other time ;)
I don't really have any ambition. I guess that's my biggest obstacle. I have no interest in wealth, power, or success, but I've found it's difficult to find even a decent job without a college degree. It is the only reason I am going back to school.
2007 is coming up. God, I am getting so old! I hope it's a good year. I hope things go well for me at school. And I hope we get the fuck out of Iraq!
Happy New Year, Guys!
xo

Cook County Medical Examiner: "Sad" Police Are Concealing Murders!

A really odious story broke here in Chicago over the past couple of days. A CBS news investigation claims to have found evidence that police in Cook County are misclassifying murders as suicides and accidental deaths in order to lower the city's murder rate! Police classified one particular case as a suicide, though the medical examiner said his injuries, including a fractured windpipe and hemorrages on both sides of his brain, were too severe to be self-inflicted. A pathologist at the Medical Examiner's office ruled the case a homicide, but police simply didn't believe that to be the case. Now, who would you trust to make that decision? I think a pathologist trained in the forensic science of diagnosing causes of death has far more expertise than the assumptions of a half-brained police force covered in the noxious fumes of one scandal after another. Just this past year, we've had revelations of systematic police torture in the 70's and 80's, racketeering cops robbing and blackmailing suspects, and cases of violent police overreaction. Another particular damning example of the incompetence and public safety failures of the Chicago Police Department is the case of Christina Eilman. Eilman, a 21 yo student from California, was arrested at Midway Airport for acting erractically. Christine's parents telephoned the police many times after she was arrested, informing them her daughter was mentally ill and was probably in a psychotic state. They pleaded with the police not to release her until they could come to Chicago and get her the help she needed or to take her to a psychiatric hospital. Well, the Chicago police were annoyed with the behavior of this woman, so released her later that day in the middle of the night into a neighborhood with a serious crime problem. Christine was later found lying on the sidewalk--unconscious. She had been beaten and raped and thrown out of the window of a public housing building. She suffered severe injuries to her body and brain.
Citizens Alert of Chicago is now asking the FBI to investigate the latest allegations against this broken and corrupt force.

Police Liberation, The Freedom to Beat and Kill!

The GOP Kisses Donkey Ass!

Could a headline be any better?


I grew up in Georgia during the slow--sometimes rapid--but, always, inexorable decline of the southern branch of the democratic party. My mother is pragmatic and moderate, but my stepfather is a hardcore conservative, like most of the men I listened to growing up. Being gay and growing up in a super-conservative rural area, I paid more attention to political developments than most kids my age. I guess I always felt they would gauge how I could expect to be treated by America as a gay man. Bill Clinton was a dirty word where I grew up, and Newt Gingrich was the southern man's hero. I will never understand how a largely poor area could turn itself so completely over to a fundamentally anti-working class party. I think the powerful churches back home are to blame. As a child napping in the pews every sunday at our S Baptist church, I was exposed to consistently political sermons attacking liberals, gay civil rights activists, and any democrat or public figure who didn't tow the S Baptist line. I think it's really unethical for a church to engage in such partisan drivel, but eventually the drill bit makes a mark in even the toughest wood, and, so, a lot of parishoners end up becoming a bit radicalized by these listless Bible-thumpers. I think the other issue in the South is how very apolitical a huge part of the citizenry is. Seriously, poor people back home just don't vote that much. It's a middle-class, churchy kinda thing to do to them, and they just don't see the point. They expect the services they have to continue, and no new ones to be created, so I guess they'd rather not miss a few hours of work.
Yet, the area that my folks live in is being represented by a democrat now: Barrow. He's a pretty socially conservative guy but has a bit more of a populist economic view. That's the key in the South for the democrats: candidates have got to at least be social moderates but people back home would really welcome a progressive, populist economic policy, and such a candidate would be able to engage voters beyond the churchy, middle-class types and tap into the much larger pool of working class citizens who continue to be largely apolitical--and they've had good reason to be!

Nevertheless, Progressives and moderates all over the country had great cause to greet this morning with joy and satisfaction. I was ecstatic to see the Repubicans finally get thrown out of Congress! Thank you, Jesus!!!! ;)

Nancy Pelosi will be the first woman speaker of the House! Luckily, our Governor was re-elected. He's promising an increase in the minimum wage and universal health coverage for all! He was pushed a bit left of center by the strong run by the Green party candidate because he didn't bring up the issue of universal health care until a few days before the election. Democrats swept all state-wide offices in Illinois. I was really disappointed Tammy Duckworth didn't win. She made a strong finish though. The fact that she lost reflects poorly on the assholes who constitute her district. They don't deserve to be represented by such a fine woman. They got what they deserved in Peter Roskam, a carbon copy Bush neo-con extremist.

There was a bit of excitement here in Chicago early in the morning, when the Republican candidate for Cook County President claimed voter fraud and ordered his minions to go to the county government building. They marched over and started attacking poll workers and trying to steal ballot cartridges. It was so pathetic. Paraica looks like a real prick after this debacle. His hooligans tried to storm the clerk's office and even vandalized one of the elevators (owned by the taxpayers). It was so funny to watch the little, bigoted, suburban neo-cons pissed they didn't beat the uppity black man they felt they should have.
All in all, I think the Republicans are well on their way to imploding as a national party. They'll stay strong in the South--but even there there are many democratic districts scattered here and there. They've forever discredited themselves in the eyes of moderates all over the country. They're going to have to live down a lot before they will have even a slight chance of taking back Congress.
Last night was a victory for all Americans! My prayers were answered! I hope they get us out of Iraq ASAP!

Murder in Oaxaca, Mexico

Brad Will, US citizen and journalist, carried after being shot by Mexican police

Oaxaca is a renowned tourist destination, brimming with colonial homes and thoroughfares. Its streets are usually crowded with wealthy visitors from America and Europe. These days, however, the streets are filled with the tired but defiant citizens of the city. These brave men and women are fighting against the corrupt government of Ulises Ruiz, the governor of the state.
Distrust and anger are universal feelings amongst the suffering people in Oaxaca, but those sentiments boiled over into popular action following an attack by the police on a peaceful demonstration of teachers. One can only imagine the vile personality of a regime that would attack teachers with heavy-handed violence in broad daylight for all the world to see.
The striking teachers' demonstration was small, but, after it was attacked, the mobilization in the barrios of Oaxaca began. A mass movement was created that reclaimed the streets from the corrupt mafia ruling Oaxaca, and popular demands were made that the state government--now beyond reform--be dissolved. The response of Gov. Ruiz has been bloody. Many, many demonstrators have been attacked, beated, and killed. Leaders of political groups have been kidnapped and tortured.
What is happening in Oaxaca is a revolt against an illegitimate regime. Mexico's salvation is not in remittances from millions of workers forced to migrate north for work. The people of Mexico have to radically reform their society, and this requires a staunch and considered attack on the power and wealth of the ruling elite of their nation. Citizens concerned about the issue of Mexican immigration into the USA must understand that their support of people's movements in Mexico is pivotal to the future of both nations. We must support the workers in Oaxaca as they fight a system grinding them into poverty and migration.
The brutal repression against the citizens of Oaxaca City has cast a wide net, ensnaring more than activists in its web. On Friday, a journalist for Indymedia-NYC was murdered by Oaxacan police in plainclothes. Brad Will was devoted to his brand of independent and uncompromising journalism. His murder has ignited a very hot glare of attention on the turbulent situation in Oaxaca. He died with his camera in his hands, and his moments, as captured on his camera, are seared into my memory. Al Giordano of Narco News wrote eloquently of the fierce reporter he knew, writing" (Will was) a valiant compañero who, knowing full well that this story could be his last, decided to share the risks with the people whose cause he reported. Will's last report from Oaxaca detailed the death of an activist, Alejandro García Hernández, murdered by the same thugs who would later murder him. Mexico is boiling in the heat of the injustice perpretated against them by their own leaders. We must stand in solidarity with the workers resistance!
Will's words written about Hernandez seem chillingly prescient now that his own life has been snuffed out. Here is an excerpt from his last report:
“…and now alejandro waits in the zocalo—like the others at their plantones—hes waiting for an impasse, a change, an exit, a way forward, a way out, a solution—waiting for the earth to shift and open—waiting for november when he can sit with his loved ones on the day of the dead and share food and drink and a song—waiting for the plaza to turn itself over to him and burst—he will only wait until morning but tonight he is waiting for the governor and his lot to never come back—one more death—one more martyr in a dirty war—one more time to cry and hurt—one more time to know power and its ugly head—one more bullet cracks the night—one more night at the barricades—some keep the fires—others curl up and sleep—but all of them are with him as he rests one last night at his watch…”

Isreal Admits to Using Evil Chemical Weapons on Civilian Areas in Lebanon

Beirut, following a friendly neighborhood visit by Israel.
I remember when I first read reports Isreal was using phosphorus weapons in Lebanon. I tried to tell people on right-wing sites who were gung-ho for the barbarous attack on Lebanon about the use of these wicked chemical weapons. Doctors were reporting unusual burns and such. I was derided as spreading baseless, anti-semetic propaganda.
Well, now Haaretz, the Isreali newspaper, has published an article with the headline "Israel admits using phosphorus bombs during war in Lebanon". Phosphorus, when it makes contact with human flesh, burns that flesh to the bone. It is a shameful weapons to use. However, Israel has no shame when it comes to using intense, disproportionate, and barbaric forms of violence against its enemies--i.e. phosphorus bombs--i.e. millions of cluster bombs spread all over Lebanon that are still killing little babies, children, women, and men!
Israel was blindsided by the intense fury of world opinion against their operations in Lebanon. The furor and the protests (there was one in Chicago in which I particicpated) triggered an attempt by Isreal and its backers to silence critics and attack information that was truthful but reflected poorly on Israel. Well, they failed! They will continue to fail as long as they are enaged in the kind of despicable activity that destroyed the nation of Lebanon.

Greg Dellinger was my lover and now he's gone.

Several years ago, I met Greg Dellinger when I was studying at Harvard. When we met, we discovered we had an unusual connection--a connection to a small town near Savannah, Georgia. His mother was from there, and I had graduated from high school from there. We became really good friends and spent a lot of time together. We even hung out when he went to his parents' house. I had some problems at school and went home for a while and we hung out a lot there. We went to clubs in Savannah and gave each other company. I cared very much about him. We were lovers, but I was lost in my own problems. Greg was older than I, and I just couldn't understand why he didn't have his life together. My mother had endured so much but had been so strong and capable, and I just couldn't understand why he couldn't persevere and be like her.
There was a gorgeous European girl at school who everyone loved. We used to work out in the gym together. Marian Hersi Smith was my friend, and none of us could believe it when she took her own life. She was beautiful. She really was. And she was such a lively girl! She bubbled with energy and personality and everybody liked her.
After I had troubles, more of my friends met tragic endings. Anthony Fonseca--Deuce--killed himself. Everybody knew him! He was good-looking and friendly to everybody. Three of my friends died through suicide, one of them was my lover, and I cannot understand it. I just wish I had reached out to Greg. I truly cared about him. I was lost myself. I didn't know how to help him, and so instead of being his friend, I withdrew. I still can't believe he's dead. I still can't believe Marian or Antonio or even a girl acquaintance from high school, Angela, the daughter of our principle, all made the decision to kill themselves. I pray to God to bless them.